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How to improve your sales copy:
A sample copywriting critique

Is your copy pulling the way you'd like? Are your words getting into the hearts of your prospects and convincing their minds that you're the solution to their problems?

Below I have included an excerpt from an in-depth copy critique I provided for a recent client. [Find out more about our copy critiques.]

(Note: Marketing critiques focus on many of the same issues dealt with here in terms of your marketing message, focus, target audience, flow and other key aspects of marketing campaigns.)

As background, the client in question is a successful Internet marketer who has asked that his name be kept private. (As I've always said, even good writers need someone to edit their work, and this copy was no exception.) I critiqued his long-copy sales letter, which was the main page of his website leading to an order form.

A lot of the right ideas were in the copy, but they weren't implemented effectively. Take a look ...

Copywriting critique for an Internet marketing website

Dear [name],

I'll first make some specific comments about the copy on your site and then move to some more general points.

Your copy is definitely headed in the right direction, but there are some fine points that need polishing (and then testing, of course, but that goes without saying, right?).

As you know, the first thing your web copy must do is draw in readers and make them want to read on. They need to identify with what you're offering because otherwise they will click away and find another source of Internet marketing information like yours.

Headline

The most important element in copywriting is your headline, which you specifically asked me to "rake over the coals," I believe.

You already know this, but just as a reminder, your headline is critical because it's the first thing people read. In your headline, you can:

• mention a benefit that will appeal to your specific target audience
• simply try to get attention (which can work if you follow up with a killer subheadline)
• try to give readers a hint of the exciting news that is to come

Or, best of all, you can consider the answer to this question: What is it that your prospects are lacking that your product can provide them with? Whatever the answer is, this could be the main crux of your headline. And in fact, this is the approach I recommend above all else for your site in particular, since the knowledge you're going to be giving your customers will effect them in emotional ways.

Now to your specific headline and how to fix it:

By stating "You have, at your fingertips, the most comprehensive, information-packed set of XYZ resources available," you're not focusing on the benefit to the reader. You're telling them the things, the features they will be getting.

What will those resources give them? One benefit would be the knowledge they need to get ahead in their businesses. But that's not enough of a benefit to get into the hearts of your readers. If you're honest with yourself about what you're selling, you're giving people the chance at a relaxed life without money trouble, a sense of comfort in a life that once had to concern itself with paying bills, kissing up to the boss and making ends meet, but barely.

Your product literally turns things around for your clients if they use your system. Why not use this idea to speak to the heart and get people to keep reading in your copywriting?

Structure

Your sales letter bounces back and forth between product and selling, product and selling. Prioritize what's in it for me first, then tell me what I'll actually get and how to get it. The letter should pretty much be divided in thirds to do just those things. That way, it doesn't appear to be "selling me on something"; rather, it appears helpful and honest.

People really don't mind being sold to if they see what they'll be getting first and it feels like you're a trustworthy advisor passing along useful information.

Benefits

Talk them through the benefits first and then go for the sale once they're already begging for what you have to offer. At the moment, I feel like you're focusing too much on the components of your product and not on what your product does for me, the reader, throughout your copy.

Every time you mention something that your product offers, you need to show how your prospects would benefit from it if they bought from you today.

Why now?

And on the note of "today," it also is important to add in a sense of urgency in your copy -- not hype, just solid reasons why I should buy now and not hold out for a later date. What might work is to use a subhead of some kind to bring in the idea of not waiting another day because you've personally (or another customer has personally) lost lots of income by not implementing the information in your product sooner.

Add in a time element, like "Now you can access the most ..." in order to encourage readers to continue with the rest of the copy.

Specifics

Most of your claims are vague right now. Be as specific as possible -- throw in numbers or statistics if at all possible. I know from our previous discussions that you have numbers to prove your claims.

Then you could use your own sub-headline as the first copy block and continue on from there. I would remove the millennium bit if possible because we have already entered the next millennium, but otherwise this copy reads well.

Flow

The body copy below your headline (first 8-10 paragraphs) needs to read "shorter." It feels long to read the section on problems your product solves because of its formatting and the fact that you've used long paragraphs to convey multiple benefits.

You can break up these paragraphs by benefit or add in bullet points to speed up the way the copy reads. Use bold type to guide readers' eyes from one critical point to the next.

When I first encounter a sales letter of any kind, one of my copywriting tricks is practicing being lazy.

I like to read over long copy just by skimming over the bold type to see if I can figure out what a product is without reading the rest. Even the most dedicated readers won't read every last word of your letter, so you need to give them the foundation in your bold copy. Sometimes laziness is a positive quality!

Also, the copy block beginning "Naturally, for your convenience, we have a mailing list available" needs to be set off somehow differently from the block before it because the logic doesn't flow when this paragraph is positioned right after the previous one. You could add a header of some sort or actually change the layout slightly to draw more attention to the newsletter sign-up. Your letter should flow from top to bottom without jarring the reader.

Opt-in list for newsletter subscriptions

Secondly, why is it convenient that you have a mailing list? Playing devil's advocate here, it seems to me that it is more convenient for you, [client's name], and not for your reader. Remember, it's important to emphasize over and over what's in it for THEM. Your readers -- like all prospects -- are concerned more with themselves than with what you have to offer, so tell them what they stand to gain.

Plus, the box for signing up should appear right where this copy does--visitors will not likely hunt around to find your sign-up form, and you will get many more subscribers if the box is right where the copy promoting it appears.

Choice of verbiage

The copy about the individual products is fine, but could be more benefit-oriented. For example, in the following copy:

[snipped]

You cannot assume that people know what Internet marketing and direct response actually are, so you need to tell them that, just as an example, these types of marketing have been increasing sales for entrepreneurs like you for decades.

Thinking like your customers

It is also always a good idea to explain who the experts are that you are promoting. I know who most of these marketers are because I've been following copywriting and Internet marketing for close to a decade, but many readers won't, so tell them the benefit of having these experts' advice.

You should go through each of these copy blocks and think to yourself, "What am I assuming that my readers know here?" and then tell them what those things are just in case they don't.

The Los Angeles conference reference is one good example of this. I would assume you are talking about the XYZ marketing conference that was promoted on a lot of Internet marketing sites a few months back (and I did not read every line of your copy to find out the nitty-gritty details -- "lazy" consumers won't either), but you need to tell readers exactly what kinds of beneficial things they will learn from your product and how it will make their lives/businesses somehow better.

It is not likely that only "visitors who are already in the know" so to speak will go to your site based on what you have told me about your promotional efforts right now, and in fact, those "in the know" will likely know how to buy this product in particular straight from the original marketer who gave the session. [NOTE: Generally speaking, affiliate marketing is a fine business model; however, the specific client receiving this message had no name recognition himself and little or no site traffic to date.]

On to a more general issue that arose as I was reviewing your copy:

Credibility

What is missing in this sales letter is justification of why visitors should buy from you.

Who are you, who is your company, and why would visitors trust you? And are your products written/created by you, or are they simply products that others have developed and you are selling?

What is the reason why people should buy from you and not from someone else? These are points that need to be addressed before people will start investigating what you're selling. I know your credentials are impressive, so you need to find a way to include them here if at all possible.

You need to establish yourself as a successful Internet marketer. How you choose to establish your credibility is up to you. You can do this within your sales letter, in a small sidebar of sorts that gives your bio and career history, or simply by adding little bits of information here and there throughout the copy you already have written.

-- End of Excerpt --

The portion of the critique above hits on several problems in the sales letter. This critique went on for several more pages to outline problems with the guarantee and pinpoint specific elements of the body copy that needed clarification.

The goal, after all, is copy that's a powerful marketing tool that can generate sales over and over -- while capturing the e-mail addresses of prospects who are interested in what you sell but aren't ready to purchase.

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